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Attention Parents: It’s Okay to Bribe Your Kids

It's ok to bribe your kids | The Champagne Supernova

The cutie pie in this picture is my friend’s son, Andrew. He is five years old and in Pre-Kindergarten. My friend told Andrew’s older sister she would buy her a $50 toy if she got all 300 of her sight words correct. Andrew asked if that counted for him as well, so my friend agreed. Andrew worked really, really hard to achieve his goal and got all of his 300 sight words correct. Look how proud he is in this picture. Go, Andrew, Go! And go, mama, go! You gotta do what you gotta do and figure out what works for kids.

It’s not every day I get inspired by the MTV show My Super Sweet 16.

For those of you who have never seen it, it’s a reality show that follows privileged fifteen year-old girls and their friends as they obsessively plan their Sweet 16 parties.

These parties are often over-the-top and are the equivalent of hosting a wedding. Ornate invitations. Hundreds of guests. Famous DJs providing the entertainment. ~~Hoochie mama~~ gaudy dresses. Hairdressers and makeup artists. Behind-the-scenes drama.

More often than not, watching the show is like watching a train wreck.

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Dear People Without Kids: You Don’t Get to Judge Parents. Ever.

Here’s a new rule.

If you don’t have children and/ or never had to raise children, then absent blatant emotional or physical abuse, you don’t get to judge people who are real life actual parents.

Like, ever.

I recently shared an article on my blog’s Facebook page about how people who choose to not have children are not entitled to live in a child-free world. A guy named Joseph commented that “when kids are misbehaving in an intolerant manner, it is almost always shitty parenting.”

[Exact quote]

When I replied to his comment simply asking (more…)

Home + Entertainment

Prank Calling: Joquetta Jackson and the Infamous Sheet Cake

Now that the cat is out of the bag about me being immature, I want to share a story about an old and dear friend, Joquetta Jackson.

Joquetta works hard as the bakery manager at Winn-Dixie, a popular grocery chain in the southeastern United States.

While she knows how to make things like cookies and pastries, Joquetta’s real “bread and butter” (see what I did there?) is sheet cakes.

Joquetta’s got a sheet cake to celebrate every occasion.

Paternity determinations.

The syndication of Friends.

Finally removing that pesky hangnail.

Her creativity knows no limits.

Only Joquetta Jackson isn’t a real person.

She’s a fictional character my friends and I created for the purpose of prank calling innocent victims in college (oh God, and law school) when we should have been doing more important things like studying for exams, working out, washing our hair… the usual.

People were always so confused when we called.

I’ll begin with my now father-in-law. (I wasn’t married at the time.) It was 2007 and the 30th anniversary of Elvis’ death.

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Negative Body Image: One Thing I’ll Never Discuss with My Daughter

I was in line at the grocery store last week when the words rung out in my ears. A mother was shaming her middle school-aged daughter for wanting a Kit-Kat bar.

“Chocolate isn’t part of your diet,” she hissed, “and your pants are already too tight to begin with.”

The mother removed the candy from the shopping cart and placed it back onto the rack in front of the register.

Knowing I heard this exchange and probably embarrassed, the daughter looked like she was going to cry.

It wasn’t my place to intervene, but I was wondering what this woman said to her daughter at home behind closed doors, considering she was so nasty in public.

I thought about the girl on my entire drive home.

How I felt sorry for her.

How, to me, she didn’t look overweight at all. Her pants certainly weren’t tight.

How I was grateful for my own mother for not body shaming me and my sister when we were growing up. For not pressuring us to look a certain way.

Perhaps this girl’s mother, who appeared obese, was projecting her own negative self-image onto her daughter.

I had a friend in college we’ll call Kristy. Blond haired, olive skin, tall, and naturally toned muscles, Kristy was the prettiest girl in the room.

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Back-To-School Supplies for Moms

This post is sponsored by SignUp.com. All sarcasm is my own. Special thanks for fans of The Champagne Supernova’s Facebook page for helping to create this post.

The end of summer signals the beginning of long lines at local retail stores.

Spiral notebooks.

Loose leaf paper.

Crayons.

Ti83 calculators.

Compasses and protractors.

If you’re like me, you miss the days of the psychedelic Trapper Keepers, but I digress.

Vintage Trapper Keeper from the 1980s | The Champagne Supernova

I owned a Trapper Keeper with this exact same pattern when I was in Ms. Kincaid’s Second Grade class at Bunnell Elementary School. Yes, I went to elementary school in Bunnell, which explains my backwoods roots.

At the front of the line is usually a mom who is seen reluctantly coughing up her credit card at the end of the transaction.

She does all of the work, but what is the glory?

It’s a quiet house between the hours of 8:30 a.m. and 3:00 p.m.

And this got me thinking.

Why don’t moms get lists of supplies they need to ~~celebrate~~ commiserate with their friends about their kids returning to school?

If there was a back-to-school for moms list, this is what it would look like:

Barrels of wine.

Shoot, an entire winery where we can go barefoot in the barrels (while also drinking wine) a-la Lucy and Ethel.

via GIPHY

A blanket for a much-needed (and uninterrupted nap).

A gourmet lunch that is not the kids’ unfinished mac and cheese, PB&J, or soggy Cheerios.

A purse that contains only lipstick, an ID, and credit card. No bug spray, sunscreen, Hand Sanitizer, goggles, boogie wipes, or extra undies for in-case-of-an-accident.

(Ask me about the time a police officer removed a pair of little girls’ Barbie underwear from my purse when I was going through the security line one busy morning at the courthouse. Not awkward. Not awkward at all.)

The highest pair of stiletto heels known to man that you can wear to prance around town. Cuz Lord knows you wear flip flops, sneakers, and, God forbid, Crocs as part your normal “Mom Uniform.”

A stack of magazines you ordinarily have no time to read.

R-rated movies.

Ear plugs. Someone’s screaming? It’s not your kid, so it doesn’t matter.

Permanent markers. That you can use and color on whatever the heck you want. Don’t worry, you can re-hide them before you pick up the kids.

Tissues.

You know you’ll miss them.

Here’s to a great start to the new school year.

Cheers!

Home + Entertainment

Kitchen Remodel: White Kitchen

Since we moved into our home in 2010, we have been less than excited about our kitchen. While it was spacious and modern-ish (the house was built in 2007), we weren’t in love with the light colored wood cabinets and dark granite countertops.

As we didn’t see ourselves living in the house for a long time, we held off on updating the kitchen until we recently decided to give it a face lift, in hopes that it would add value to the house over time. (And also because we decided we are staying put in the house).

Originally we had plans to renovate this property and add to it to our property investment portfolio. Investing in real estate is a great way to grow your finances and assets after all! In fact, it still feels like just yesterday that we were reading through the 1032 exchange Guide here and other USA real estate resources to learn as much as we could about the tax side of investing in property. However, we ended up falling in love with this particular property and decided to keep it as our family home for now! That being said, our house is now well overdue for some remodeling work.

Luckily, we didn’t need to undertake major structural changes such as knocking down walls or relocating appliances. This project was entirely cosmetic. I know a lot of people though who focus mainly on updating their equipment in the kitchen. For example, rather than changing how your kitchen looks completely you might just want to update something like your toaster and get the best toaster 2019 for your kitchen. It may only be something small. But it can make a huge difference. Small or big, it doesn’t matter what you do to your kitchen as the decision is up to you. For example, after reading some kitchen appliance reviews on https://buyersimpact.co.uk/, we found a fantastic slow cooker that would look gorgeous in any kitchen. Ultimately we wanted to go all out so keep on reading to find out more.

I’ve always loved a white kitchen, but didn’t want to paint the existing cabinets because it can be easy to mess up and the quality of the work is typically poor. (You can sometimes see streaks of paint.)

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Adventures in Lawyering: The Porn Star

I’ve got some crazy lawyer stories. This is the first in a series of installments called “Adventures in Lawyering.”

Being an attorney ain’t all glitz and glamour.

In fact, it usually isn’t.

I’ve been practicing for almost a decade and can’t tell you the number of times I’ve sloshed through mud and debris at a construction site.

Or the times I’ve had to sift through gory crime scene photographs and then get on an unrelated conference call five minutes later hoping the person on the other end didn’t know I had been crying (or dry heaving).

The times I’ve received a plaintiff’s gynecology records in response to a subpoena and literally read their handwritten answer of “occasionally” when asked for their sex in an initial patient intake sheet.

Or the time I went to a junk yard to examine a vehicle that had been involved in a fatal accident the night before. The junk yard worker, through his toothless mouth, looked at me and said:

Smell that smell?

Yes, sir. (Gagging.) It’s putrid.

That’s brain. Smell it once and you never forget.

Trust me, I’ll never forget.

Autopsy photos.

Check.

Stucco density reports.

Check.

Laboratory results.

Check.

Dealing with irrational south Florida Rambo lawyers.

Check.

Spending time in courthouses where the other individuals walking through the security line made “The People of Wal-Mart” seem like the Rockefellers.

Check.

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Guest Bedroom Makeover featuring Establishment Home

After reading 6 tips for a unified bedroom design, it really inspired me to give my guest bedroom the makeover it deserved! It was the red-headed step-child of the house.

No offense to red heads.

Our guest bedroom was an ugly hodgepodge of things we accumulated over the years.

A rug and chair I found at a garage sale in 2008.

A Pottery Barn dresser and sleigh bed I purchased from a college student on Craigslist when I moved to Tampa a decade ago. (For a total of $350, this was a steal, even back then.)

A metal decoration above the bed that a neighbor had given to us before her husband was deployed to Germany.

A comforter and sheets that were hand-me-downs from my mother.

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Divorce: The Unobvious, Dirty Truth

First comes love, then comes marriage… and sometimes comes divorce.

I was recently reminded of this unfortunate truth when one of my favorite bloggers publicly and bravely announced that she and her husband were divorcing. They were high school sweethearts and share two young children.

I have several friends and acquaintances who are either separated or divorced from their spouses. My own parents got divorced when I was in law school and while their maturity and religious faith enabled them to be good friends who get along well (thanks, Mom and Dad!), I witnessed the more difficult parts of their post-marriage journey as it was happening and while the wound was fresh.

Divorce should be a judgment-free zone, although it doesn’t usually happen that way. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors or truly understands the complexities of a relationship. Nobody appreciates how the intricate details of childhood, career, and the very nature of our own idiosyncrasies play into a marriage.

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How to Prevent a Hangover

I recently attended a wedding just north of Atlanta the Saturday before Mother’s Day.

The bride is a close friend and I was excited to get outta dodge for 36 hours to see her get hitched. I had plans of waking up early on Sunday to get the first flight back to Tampa so I could spend Mother’s Day with my family.

My Mother-in-Law, Leslie, has a house near the wedding venue and was my “date” for the event, as my husband was also out of town on a marketing trip for business. (I know many reading this are shocked, but I hit the MIL jackpot. She’s young, not annoying, and doesn’t tell me how to raise my kids. We good.)

As Leslie and I were getting ready for the wedding, I told her I was going to limit my alcohol intake to two glasses of wine the entire night. I’d read some tips for drinking wine on holidays and I was determined to follow them so that I could fly home the next day in comfort with no sore head, and no projectile vomiting.

Famous last words.

The wedding was truly spectacular. Gorgeous flowers. Beautiful scenery. Good company. A great song playlist. Delicious food.

The party was rocking and the wine was flowing.

And flowing.

I was over-served somewhere between Sweet Child O’ Mine and Summer of 69.

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