Dear People Without Kids: You Don’t Get to Judge Parents. Ever.


People who don't have children of their own aren't allowed to judge parents | The Champagne Supernova

Here’s a new rule.

If you don’t have children and/ or never had to raise children, then absent blatant emotional or physical abuse, you don’t get to judge people who are real life actual parents.

Like, ever.

I recently shared an article on my blog’s Facebook page about how people who choose to not have children are not entitled to live in a child-free world. A guy named Joseph commented that “when kids are misbehaving in an intolerant manner, it is almost always shitty parenting.”

[Exact quote]

When I replied to his comment simply asking whether he had kids (literally, I asked nothing else) Joseph replied that his comment “represented the statement of an opinion and not an invitation to converse.”

[Wrong buddy, the beauty of owning a Facebook page is that I can converse with whomever I please and if someone doesn’t like it, they can skedaddle somewhere else on the good ole’ web.]

[Also: Joseph clearly doesn’t have kids.]

You’re right, Joseph. So when my daughter was having an inconsolable meltdown at the public pool the other day, it wasn’t because she was exhausted, had a cold, snuck too many cookies behind my back, OR BECAUSE SHE IS FIVE AND HER MENTAL CAPACITY HASN’T FULLY DEVELOPED.

It was because I’m a “shitty parent.” You sure nailed it!

Whomever wants to judge a person as a de facto bad parent after witnessing a snippet of their child’s behavior has clearly never had to deal with a youngster themselves.

Or a twelve year old for that matter.

Heck, I’m 35 and guarantee I still frustrate my own parents.

As parents, we usually must guide our children in the proper direction many, many times before they figure out on their own how to follow that direction.

It is an ongoing effort.

Yes, there are absolutely terrible parents in this world. However, I firmly believe that 95% of us are trying our absolute hardest to raise children to become functional, loving, and contributing members of society.

Most people who don’t have children cannot understand how hard it can be to raise them. Which makes it that much more annoying when I can tell a childless person is internally shaming me when my kids are acting inappropriately.

These people see the five minute “sound byte” of a child’s poor behavior but don’t see the other 23 hours and fifty-five minutes of the day that involve waking up, eating breakfast, making lunches, getting out of the house, talking on the drive to school, going to work (or staying home with other children and tending to household chores), attending extracurricular sports and other activities, returning home and doing homework, making and eating dinner, and then bed time. Throw in some important life lessons about navigating social situations and working our hardest at school and woah, that’s a lot!

The judgmental childless person doesn’t see the parent who is trying hard to guide their kids in the right direction. The parent who is crying in the shower because their child is strong willed and unmanageable. The parent who is making every effort to obtain effective treatment for a child who has a disability. The parent whose fingers are bleeding from putting stickers on a star chart every single night hoping it incentivizes their child to “make good choices.”

They don’t see all of the sincere efforts parents make behind closed doors.

So to the childless person, take heed:

We teach our toddlers to behave at restaurants but they sometimes end up screaming and throwing french fries on the floor.

We tell our kiddos the importance of sharing and being a good friend but they will occasionally make another child cry when they don’t want to hand over a couple of Goldfish crackers.

We remind our young children to be considerate of other passengers on airplanes but sometimes the flight is really really long and they end up running up and down the aisles or hysterically crying when their ears are popping.

We make sure they know its important to be quiet in places like the library or church but sometimes they’ll forget and squeal with laughter or excitement.

It happens.

And I promise it’s not because the child’s keeper is a bad parent: it’s because the child is a CHILD. And most of the time, the parent is trying really hard.

So if my kiddo is melting down at a restaurant, cut me a little slack.

Especially if you aren’t a parent yourself.

Cheers!

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    36 Comments on Dear People Without Kids: You Don’t Get to Judge Parents. Ever.

    1. Eternally childfree
      December 6, 2018 at 10:56 am (1 week ago)

      Oh how dare you! You could have left your child at home knowing they were unwell instead of forcing us childfree to have to suffer your kid in a meltdown! You should be ashamed of yourself!

      If you think your child is having a fit you should have done what our parents did and taken it outside or spanked them for misbehaving! This is poor behavior you are allowing others to suffer!

      Ithis type of behavior was not tolerated while I was growing up so shame on you for saying it’s okay now.
      Teach them respect for others and an indoor voice or go home!

      Reply
      • Tired of intolerant people
        December 7, 2018 at 10:37 am (1 week ago)

        WoW. What an ignorant comment. You clearly know very little about parenting Or human interaction for that matter. Next time you see a parent struggling with their child throwing a tantrum, how about showing a little empathy or better, some help, instead of being judgy? I can think of a good dozens of instances where my child was difficult in public, and we do everything to raise her to be a well-behaved, tolerant, and kind person. But all you would have seen is the child acting out / shame on the parent. So to your point, how dare YOU?!

        Reply
    2. Matt
      December 6, 2018 at 8:31 am (1 week ago)

      STFU. My opinion is not going to be relegated just because my wife and I don’t have a bunch of spawn.

      Reply
    3. Amy
      December 5, 2018 at 11:39 am (1 week ago)

      I’m childfree and love kids. I understand kids get really overwhelmed when flying or when their parents have to go to the store and the lines are REALLY long and the kid feels overwhelmed.
      I get it.
      And there’s only one reason I get angry.
      What I don’t appreciate is when the parents are on the phone during meltdowns. Humans have meltdowns.
      Consider your perspective before you post a blog post while you’re reflecting on a stranger’s Facebook comments.
      Taunting happens and it seems like Joseph won this round.

      Reply
    4. Kat
      December 5, 2018 at 8:59 am (1 week ago)

      what a logical fallacy. in this sense you could not judge anything you are not directly involved in, and it means most of things in life – all of us have very limited impact on this planet. also, since you are an attorney, you would sure know what an ad hominem argument means, you have just posted a very clear ad hominem argument article !

      Reply
    5. Erin
      December 5, 2018 at 8:48 am (1 week ago)

      ” it wasn’t because she was exhausted, had a cold, snuck too many cookies behind my back”
      So instead of recognizing the warning signs that your kid was exhausted and leaving before they have a meltdown… instead of keeping a sick kid home to rest, and bringing them TO THE POOL TO SWIM and infect everyone with your germs because your selfish ass wanted to swim, instead of watching your 5 year old enough that they don’t ‘sneak’ so many sweets they become ill… you’ll blame her developmental age instead of YOUR SHITTY PARENTING and say that the childfree can’t judge? Lady, you just proved the whole point you were trying to disprove in your article… that shitty PARENTING results in shitty BEHAVIOR. And yes I will judge the hell out of you for putting your own selfish wants/ needs before your child so that the rest of the world is inconvenienced by their SHITTY behavior, so you don’t have to be.

      Reply
      • Kswizzle
        December 7, 2018 at 10:07 am (1 week ago)

        Lmao you clearly do not know how to read.

        Reply
    6. Kitty
      December 5, 2018 at 5:40 am (1 week ago)

      But what you’re ignoring is that your child’s “melt-downs” don’t affect her and you only, unlike our child-free state. They impinge on everyone around you. I have had far too many special outings made miserable by toddler tantrums. To insist we put up and shut up is a form of bullying. This has nothing to do with whether I have children or not. I write as a human being who would prefer not to be intimidated out of shopping, theater-going, eating in restaurants, walking in parks.. Anything.. By the fear they will be packed with children having “melt-downs” and their aggressive parents.

      Incidentally, I never threw a “melt-down” as a child, neither did any child I knew. We were given the very clear message, right from the get-go, that behaving like that in public was NOT OK and would not be tolerated.

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        December 5, 2018 at 11:52 am (1 week ago)

        Kitty, LOL. I’m sure you never had a meltdown as a child. Sorry to say, but you aren’t entitled to a child-free world. Cheers.

        Reply
    7. Sloane
      December 5, 2018 at 2:58 am (1 week ago)

      Your assumption that Joseph has no kids just blew any intellectual credibility your argument had. If he didn’t answer your question then you really don’t know what you’re talking about regarding his experience. Making assumptions? You don’t get to do that and then complain.
      When your child is having a public meltdown, shrieking at the top of its lungs, (no matter the reason) you be a good parent and a decent human being and remove it from an area where people are trying to enjoy their day or go on about their business. Who do you think you are to allow you are misbehaving child to intrude on the lives of others? Sorry buddy you’re just not that entitled and your kid is just not that important.
      It is parents like yourself who make everyone’s life a misery.

      Reply
    8. Cheryl
      December 4, 2018 at 9:54 pm (2 weeks ago)

      i was once a kid. My Mom was a damn good parent. We learned to respect the space and environment of others. I will judge other parents all I want because I base my judgement on my own upbringing. Freaking out and disturbing others in a disrespectful manner was not tolerated. The reason the child free judge is because parents nowadays let their kids be entitled brats that no longer respect others in public spaces. So shut the eff up and raise your children to realize they aren’t the centre of the god damned universe.

      Reply
    9. Mari
      December 4, 2018 at 9:39 pm (2 weeks ago)

      Oh God… another unsufferable and entitled momzilla who thinks the world owes her for having bred.

      Reply
    10. June
      December 4, 2018 at 9:36 pm (2 weeks ago)

      If you are letting your kids behave like drunk monkeys and they’re disturbing the peace, I will be judging you. It’s fracking painful to hear kids scream in an enclosed area where the sound has nowhere to go. I’m nearly going deaf because parents are too lazy to keep their kids quiet. The public is not your babysitter. Control your child or leave them at home. And stop trying to use mental illness or neurological disorders to excuse your child’s bad behavior. It’s ableist and it makes it hard for people with real mental illnesses or neurological disorders to get help or be taken seriously.

      Reply
    11. RHONDA
      December 4, 2018 at 9:28 pm (2 weeks ago)

      Please dont judge us that decided to not have kids.

      Reply
    12. Steph
      December 4, 2018 at 2:06 pm (2 weeks ago)

      It depends. Joseph isn’t right and neither are you.

      Reply
    13. Ell
      December 4, 2018 at 7:25 am (2 weeks ago)

      Dear people with kids, You don’t get to judge people without kids. EVER. It is our choice to not have kids. This is not an invitation for you to tell us we’ll change our mind or that we are too young to know what we want.

      This is not an attack on you. We simply choose to live the childfree lifestyle. More freedom, more money, less aggravation and less sleepless nights.

      Reply
    14. Maggie
      December 4, 2018 at 7:07 am (2 weeks ago)

      If you’re a teacher who’s with kids all day, you do.

      Reply
    15. Suzanne
      December 4, 2018 at 5:07 am (2 weeks ago)

      In that case, people who are parents don’t get the choice to judge childfree people either. How about that?

      If I am judging someone which we all do, they wouldn’t know it because I don’t say anything to them. I leave them to live their life in whatever manner they prefer as it’s not for me to dictate how any other human being does anything.

      Bottom line: Everybody judges each other, childfree or with kids.

      Reply
    16. Kelly
      December 4, 2018 at 3:50 am (2 weeks ago)

      Dear people who do not write or perform music, you don’t get to judge music, like, ever.

      That is how rediculous you sound right now. If one person says you’re a bad patent, maybe they are a jerk. But if there’s a whole slew, it might be you.

      Reply
    17. t
      December 4, 2018 at 3:43 am (2 weeks ago)

      if your kid wont scream at the retrunt or movie or lecture or concert…i wont
      if your kid will bully others i will

      Reply
    18. Hmmmm
      December 4, 2018 at 3:09 am (2 weeks ago)

      – this is taking one person’s comment (very personally) and generalisting (very judgementally) across an entire group of people. Not cool. I am a parent, and I have seen many more judgemental parent judging each other than childfree or childless people. Like someone rose said- it’s not the “group” judging that makes them more or less entitled to judge – it’s not okay to go judging others experiences full stop. That includes judging people without kids. As little insight as you accuse them of having into your life- have you considered you might not have the insight you think into theirs? Not cool

      Reply
    19. Jana
      April 12, 2018 at 1:32 pm (8 months ago)

      I will judge you if you are a friend of mine who I have lived with, helped get you on your feet, and at times raised your kid. There is such a thing as being a lazy parent in a bad way. Just because I don’t biologically have kids doesn’t mean I haven’t spent time around others, raising, and taking care of them for extended periods of time. If I’ve been a nanny, If I’ve been the oldest of multiple children, If I’ve lived with you for more than a year. I will absolutely judge the fact that your kids aren’t living with consistency and an attentive parent. Get off your phone, and get over yourself.

      NOTE having had these experiences also means that I am capable of judging when a kid is just being a kid. And when a parent really is running on a low battery. Letting your kid eat cereal for every meal once in a while is fine. I get it. But everyday?

      You’d better believe I’m judging you.

      Reply
    20. Ali A
      October 21, 2017 at 11:33 am (1 year ago)

      I hear you! I’ll be totally honest — I’ve had my moments where I got annoyed at screaming/misbehaving kids (if I’m at a restaurant and it’s really loud/distracting and parents don’t take them outside to get them away for a minute) but ever since my brother had kids, I’m way more understanding about it. My niece and nephew are really good and have amazing parents, but yeah, they freak sometimes. My 3 year old niece will scream in a public place, or just start running. It’s not my brother/SILs fault by any means and they try to control it, but sometimes it’s really hard. I NEVER judge parents who are doing their best and especially when things are out of their hands. I ALSO think certain places are kid-friendly and if you really don’t wanna be around kids, don’t go to them. Go to the fancy bougie restaurant in your city/town and enjoy the stuffy quiet atmosphere 🙂

      Reply
    21. Jane
      October 20, 2017 at 11:03 pm (1 year ago)

      You nailed it

      Reply
    22. Julie Borm
      October 16, 2017 at 5:59 am (1 year ago)

      I couldn’t agree with your post more (and this Joseph guy sounds like a real gem). But I recently had instances when parents were the judgmental ones and I’ve come to believe that can hurt even more. NO ONE SHOULD JUDGE – PERIOD! Parenting is freaking hard and we should all just work harder to be more empathetic and supportive.

      Reply
    23. Kelli
      October 12, 2017 at 10:56 pm (1 year ago)

      Amen sister..as I too have had those judgemental shaking of the heads from those who are childless.. oh and let us not forget those who do not have children but consider their pets as their children and try to compare the two.. yeah right!! We parents are not able to cage our children when we go to work or just let them run around in the backyard unsupervised for hours at a time! So again I say amen to you!! Keep on keep in on fellow mommy and daddy’s too!😁😁😁😁

      Reply
      • diane
        July 10, 2018 at 10:22 am (5 months ago)

        I see just as many “judgemental” people shake their heads that are parents. I am childless and I am SO tired of being placed in that bucket by parents. Why are you, as parents, so judgemental of those of us who aren’t? Sounds hypocritical.

        Reply
    24. Alana Coddaire
      October 12, 2017 at 5:26 pm (1 year ago)

      Love this!!

      Reply
    25. Pamela
      October 12, 2017 at 3:33 pm (1 year ago)

      🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

      Reply
    26. Judy
      October 12, 2017 at 3:32 pm (1 year ago)

      The “seasoned” parent or grandparent, when seeing a child having a meltdown, probably thinks, “I am so glad my kids have outgrown that stage…or…I am so glad it isn’t my grandchild doing that this time” that what they are truly feeling is just compassion. Every time I see a parent dealing with that I just want to give them a hug and tell them to just enjoy those moments, as they will be over in a flash. In many ways the noise of children is so much nicer than silence. Cheers.

      Reply
    27. Lara Butera
      October 12, 2017 at 11:07 am (1 year ago)

      yessssssssssssssssssss.
      great read. that is all.

      Reply
    28. Rachel Palmer
      October 12, 2017 at 6:44 am (1 year ago)

      You’re so right. The only way to teach children how to behave in public is to take them out …. in public! So sometimes they’ll act up, but parents feel shit enough when this happens and don’t need judgement from anyone else

      Reply
    29. Kate Williams
      October 12, 2017 at 6:36 am (1 year ago)

      My four year old is known to have the most epic meltdowns known to mankind. Am I a shitty parent? Well, I’m not perfect but I’ve put more effort into trying to fix this than I ever did into any traditional job. There’s an epic article by Bumdi Lattiden called ‘Dear perfect parent in the Facbook comments’ which I refer to everytime I have to deal with like the idiot that you had too. And hugs, kids having meltdowns are the most draining thing on the planet x

      Reply
      • Suzanne
        December 4, 2018 at 8:50 am (2 weeks ago)

        You do realise that everybody judges each other right? Would you also apply this to other things like not being allowed to judge music because I’ve never sung on a stage myself or not criticise films or TV shows because I’ve never acted?

        I also hear parents say rude or hurtful things about or directly to childfree people which is also wrong. But unless someone says something to you directly, how do you know if they are judging you?

        Reply

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