Now that the cat is out of the bag about me being immature, I want to share a story about an old and dear friend, Joquetta Jackson.
Joquetta works hard as the bakery manager at Winn-Dixie, a popular grocery chain in the southeastern United States.
While she knows how to make things like cookies and pastries, Joquetta’s real “bread and butter” (see what I did there?) is sheet cakes.
Joquetta’s got a sheet cake to celebrate every occasion.
The syndication of Friends.
Finally removing that pesky hangnail.
Her creativity knows no limits.
Only Joquetta Jackson isn’t a real person.
She’s a fictional character my friends and I created for the purpose of prank calling innocent victims in college (oh God, and law school) when we should have been doing more important things like studying for exams, working out, washing our hair… the usual.
People were always so confused when we called.
I’ll begin with my now father-in-law. (I wasn’t married at the time.) It was 2007 and the 30th anniversary of Elvis’ death.
Father in law: Hello?
Joquetta: Um, yes, this is Joquetta Jackson from the Winn- Dixie bakery calling to let [father-in-law’s name] know that his sheet cake in the shape of Elvis Presley’s sideburn is ready for pick-up.
Joquetta: Am I speaking with [father-in-law’s name]?
Father in law: No, this is his son. But I can assure you that he is not an Elvis fan and that he never ordered a sheet cake from Winn-Dixie.
Joquetta: Sir, yes he did. I have the order right in front of me. He wanted to commemorate the anniversary of Elvis’ death (“Rest in peace to the king…” begins singing Jailhouse Rock.) You need to come pick it up immed…
Never the quitter, Joquetta calls back.
The next victim was a law school friend named Kevin. He was a smart and hardworking young lad whose efforts earned him an associate position at one of the country’s most respected silk-stocking law firms after graduation.
We’ll call the firm ABCLegal.
Joquetta: Um, yes, this is Joquetta Jackson from the Winn- Dixie bakery calling to let Kevin [last name] know that his new associate appreciation sheet cake is ready for pick-up.
Kevin: What? I’m confused. I never ordered any sheet cakes.
Joquetta: Yes, sir, but it’s my understanding it was ordered by ABCLegal as a gift for Kevin [last name]. Are you Kevin [last name]?
Kevin: Yes, I’ll come by later today to pick it up.
Kevin hung up.
We all thought Kevin was humoring Joquetta by telling her he would retrieve the cake with no real intention of doing so. However, we subsequently learned that Kevin actually got into his car, drove to the Winn-Dixie, and presented to the bakery asking for his non-existent sheet cake from a non-existent Joquetta Jackson.
I did feel bad.
But not bad enough to prevent me from laughing. (BTW- Kevin is a huge sport. The only reason he went to the Winn-Dixie to pick up the cake is because he didn’t want his future employer to potentially find out he abandoned it.)
It’s been a decade and I really need to deliver a sheet cake to Kevin’s house to make up for the misbehavior.
The next victim. A girl named Sally who was going to be celebrating her Bachelorette party in New Orleans.
Joquetta: Um, yes, this is Joquetta Jackson from the Winn- Dixie bakery calling to let Sally [last name] know that her bachelorette party sheet cake is ready for pick-up.
Sally: I never ordered a sheet cake.
Joquetta: It’s already been paid for by the credit card number I have on file for you.
Sally: I never called and ordered a sheet cake and certainly didn’t give anyone my credit card number.
Joquetta: Ma’am, respectfully that’s not true. I have a card number here on file with a billing address of 123 Oak Lane.
(Of course we know Sally’s address!)
Sally [angrily]: Read me the card number. Now!
Joquetta: Ma’am, it’s against company policy to divulge that information over the phone. How do I know you are who you say you are? Just come pick up this sheet cake before the buttercream frosting starts to melt.
Sally hangs up.
Joquetta Jackson hasn’t made an appearance in nearly a decade, but I enjoy keeping her memory alive.
Below are photographs of some more of Joquetta’s creations that I
stole from the internet obtained from the Winn-Dixie website.
Don’t hate the prankster: hate the prank!