Seven years ago, I said “I do” to fine young man in front of a hundred family members and best friends. As we ate good food and danced the night away, I envisioned our post-honeymoon lifestyle to resemble that of June and Ward Cleaver.
Homemade meals every night. Perfectly well-mannered children. Laughing while we shared deep conversations.
Longing looks and meaningful glances.
For the rest of our lives.
Then, reality set in and my marriage began to resemble Dan and Roseanne Connor’s.
Who has time for homemade meals?
“Keeping the romance alive” is difficult with young kids, career ventures, and the stress of everyday life.
Sure, it’s easy to become complacent. But don’t we all do it?
Here, my friends, are the differences between dating and marriage. It’s the reality that good ole June and Ward never revealed:
Dating: Back massages.
Marriage: Back mole checks.
Dating: Getting gussied up to go clubbing.
Marriage: Clubbing. At Sam’s Club.
Dating: Using Spanx to hide your cellulite and belly fat.
Marriage: Using a gallon of milk to hide the delicious chocolate in the back of the fridge.
Dating: Talking on the phone for hours.
Marriage: “Why are you calling me?”
Dating: Thongs from Victoria’s Secret.
Marriage: Full coverage, cotton Hanes. With holes.
Dating: Tight pleather pants.
Marriage: Yoga pants. With holes.
Dating: Lollapalooza, Bonnaroo, and Coachella.
Marriage: Disney on Ice.
Dating: Shaving daily.
Marriage: Forget the elephant in the room… let’s talk about the gorilla!
Dating: “That sounds so exciting!”
Marriage: “That sounds dumb and we aren’t doing it!”
Dating: Excitedly wondering what kind of cute gift you might receive “just because.”
Marriage: Grumbling when you receive gifts because you are supposed to be saving for a new roof (but you still appreciate the gift anyway.)
Dating: Promising to never go to bed angry.
Marriage: Sometimes, you just gotta go to bed.
Dating: Four-course, homemade meals in five-inch heels.
Marriage: Frozen pizza on paper plates in sneakers and a stained T-shirt from a corporate fundraiser.
Dating: Netflix and chill.
Marriage: A glass of wine and in bed by 9:00 p.m.
Dating: Working out at the gym every day.
Marriage: You work with a guy named Jim. That’s about the extent of it.
Dating: “You are my soulmate…”
Marriage: “But if I met Bradley Cooper…”
Dating: “I can’t wait to get you to bed…”
Marriage: “Good night…” *silently watches sites like HDPORNVIDEO XXX*
I once received a fortune cookie where the fortune read: “Marriage allows you to annoy the same person for the rest of your life.”
Ain’t that the truth.
Happy anniversary, honey!
Disclaimer: This post is meant to be satirical and is not a reflection of my marriage.