9 Things that Stink About Getting Older


9 Things that Stink About Getting Older: http://thechampagnesupernova.com/2015/10/9-things-that-stink-about-getting-older/

Comfort over fashion, people! It’s comfort over fashion!

One of my favorite games I play when I go out on the town with my girlfriends (ok, going “out on the town” usually happens once a year and involves going to one “bar,” getting tired, and heading home) is seeing whether we can “pass.” What this entails is faking that we are super young and hip and seeing if we can still “pass” for twentysomethings. My cover usually gets blown when I’m observed yanking diaper rash cream out of my purse to get to my lipstick, giggling when the bouncer asks for my ID, or grimacing when I see a legitimate twentysomething dressed in one of those “in” bandage-style dresses and her breast is coming out of the top. (Or substituting the word “breast” for boob, for another matter.)

Does her mother know she looks like that?

I remember high school like it was yesterday. I also vividly remember graduating from college, moving into my first apartment, and starting law school. All of those things happened between the ages of 18 and 23 and they don’t seem like long ago.

I get it. I’m 33 and realize there are people older than me who are reading this post and rolling their eyes.

Stay with me here.

Aren’t we all going through stages of our lives where our bodies want to slap us and say “Snap out of it, you’re no spring chicken anymore”?

Here, in no particular order, are the 9 worst things about getting older:

Being Called Ma’am. There are two types of people guaranteed to call me Ma’am. The first is the fourteen-year-old supermarket bag boy who mutters this word (two syllables if you live in the South) while placing groceries in my trunk. The second is usually a receptionist at the clerk of court’s office.

And it usually involves her copping a ‘tude about not wanting to give me records in a reasonable timeframe. She also pronounces Ma’am with two syllables and it comes with a side of sourpuss and sass.

I hate it.

I’d much rather be called Miss than Ma’am. 

Call me Ma’am when I’m in a nursing home, have false teeth, and need to use Depends. Not when I’m in my thirties.

Matured Taste in Reading Material. Growing up, my parents subscribed to Reader’s Digest and I thought they were so lame.

“How come they don’t exclusively read Entertainment Weekly and The National Enquirer?” I thought.

Because they don’t want their brains to shrivel up like raisins.

Don’t get me wrong, I still read US Weekly and was shocked, appalled, and disgusted when I opened my mailbox on Monday and saw the headline: Khloe Kardashian is giving Lamar Odom a SECOND CHANCE.

What an idiot?!?!

I just don’t want to read trashy magazines all the time.

Crow’s Feet and Other Fine Lines. I’m bearing the consequences of my undergraduate days when I would tan on the sorority sun deck using either 1. pure baby oil, or, when I was feeling particularly health conscious, 2. tanning lotion with an SPF of 4.

Whoop dee do.

Now, I bathe in wrinkle creams. I practice smiling and squinting in front of mirrors to determine which pose shows the least amount of wrinkles.

In the early 2000s, it was no secret that excessive sunbathing carried a risk of skin cancer or, at the very least, premature aging. I didn’t care because the time when sunbathing actually impacted me seemed so far away.

And here we are.

Dancing Like a Mom. Oh Wait…  I am the world’s worst dancer. I have no rhythm and it’s pathetic. Elaine Benes has nothing on me.

I mean nothing.

In high school, I quit the freshman cheerleading squad (which was completely unselective, as every person who attended “try-outs” made the team) because I was sick of seeing the audience’s mortified reaction every time I took the field and attempted to cartwheel.

A for effort?

My dance moves have gotten even worse as I’ve gotten older because my body has a hard time keeping up with the beat of the music.

As if that really makes a difference.

9 Things that Stink About Getting Older: http://thechampagnesupernova.com/2015/10/9-things-that-stink-about-getting-older/

“You are the dancing queen… young and sweet, only seventeen…” Wait. Nevermind.

Not Knowing the Words to Songs Because My Hearing Has Failed. I’m a former marathon runner (as in, my last marathon was ten years ago and I don’t think my bunions could currently sustain another 26.2 mile haul). To keep my mind busy during the tedious training runs, I would use headphones and jam out on my iPod.

You know, those huge iPods that are today’s musical equivalent of the Zack Morris cell phone? Just strapping it to my arm was a workout because it weighed around 3 pounds. I had to rotate arms in order to avoid looking like Popeye on my dominant arm.

I would listen to the music on the loudest setting possible. I think dead people could hear it because it was so loud.

Ten years later, I can’t hear a dang thing. Which also means that when I like a song, I usually misunderstand the lyrics.

For instance, I spent six months thinking Taylor Swift was singing about “Starbucks Lovers” in her song Blank Space.

You know, the ones who tell her she’s insane?

This was until my girlfriend broke it to me that ole’ Tay Tay was really singing about her long list of ex lovers.

Awesome.

Having to Watch what I Eat. Getting older and having kids has negatively impacted my metabolism.

It moves at a snail’s pace.

Gone are the days of eating donuts, french fries, pizza, ice cream, and sugary cocktails without repercussions. Now I have to choke down salmon and gag on spinach. Muffins now equate to a muffin top.

While one small bag of Cheez-Its formerly carried no ramifications, it now means a hundred sit ups and three miles on the treadmill.

Shut up, Jen, you’re thin. 

On any given day, I’m wearing Spanx that are so tight, I’m afraid my eyeballs will pop out.

Bills, bills, bills. Getting older means making adult decisions, like putting food on the table and paying the mortgage or prancing up to Hermes and buying the Kelly bag I’ve always wanted.

Ugh.

Choice of Weekend Activities. The weekends of my twenties were planned months in advance.

Flying to [a faraway city] with girlfriends. Trying a new restaurant with my husband. Adult birthday party ragers. Dancing the night away and going home at 3 a.m.

Now, I’d rather drink wine and watch Netflix in bed.

You can guarantee the only time I’m up at 3 a.m. is when my toddler is screaming because her pacifier fell out of her mouth or if I’m lying awake with insomnia.

Oh, insomnia… another “treat” about getting older!

Lengthened Drinking Recovery Time. [Mom, Dad, and Grandma: if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I only know it’s true from that one time I drank that one glass of wine.]

In my twenties, I went out 6 nights a week (keeping the Sabbath Holy, of course!). After a late night, I could wake up at 8 am, go to class, run a 5k, volunteer with Ritalin-infused kindergarteners, pump out a ten thousand word essay, and do it all over again.

Nowadays, I think if I had three glasses of wine, someone would need to call 911.

Something else I’ve learned (the hard way): Nothing, and I mean nothing, is ever worth having to take care of kids after a night of consuming too many libations.

I don’t care what you did the night before. You could have partied at Studio 54 with Johnny Depp, taken a jet to Mars, and performed the electric slide with The President and it still  wouldn’t be worth it.

Y’all know what I’m talking about.

Cheers!

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    33 Comments on 9 Things that Stink About Getting Older

    1. Julie
      November 5, 2015 at 8:11 am (2 years ago)

      My choice of weekend activities has definitely taken a hit. I get all excited if I make it to HomeGoods and manage a crockpot meal. It’s lame, but I would take it any day over my dating days. I always secretly wanted to be in bed by 9 am watching Netflix 🙂

      Reply
    2. Rena Hedeman
      October 31, 2015 at 12:30 pm (2 years ago)

      This is HILARIOUS!!! I’m 51 and can relate to all of it and more (just you wait – it gets even “better” with age LOL) The good news is that by then you don’t get woken up by toddlers… instead you wait up for your teenagers to come home safely. Oh and if your teens are girls? Ha just wait to you hear their comments about your clothes (even if you’re reasonably stylish)! But it’s all good… I can’t wait to read your blog posts about all that 10 yrs from now. You’re a great writer and storyteller. Thank you! And thanks to my friend Carolyn for telling me about your blog – love it!

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        November 1, 2015 at 8:37 pm (2 years ago)

        Aw, thanks so much, Rena! Your support means a lot. Yes, I’ve already started catastrophizing about how I will react when my daughters call me from college asking for money to go to Spring Break in Cancun. Or stay out all night on prom night. Or the point a few years from now when I won’t be cool and they’d rather spend their Saturday night at a sleepover than with me. UGH. I try so hard to savor all these moments. I remember being SO EMBARRASSED by my mom when I was a teenager because I thought she was cheap that she bought the “off brand” instead of the brand name. Now that I like to save money myself, I see she wasn’t being cheap, just smart. Doh! Cheers to you! xo

        Reply
    3. Shelly
      October 30, 2015 at 3:02 pm (2 years ago)

      You will know that once in your 40’s mam isn’t so awful….even though those kids saying it must be 12 because they couldn’t possibly in their 20’s because they still look like I think I still look! Worst hangover ever….I can remember turning on Barney and putting my 18 month old in the high chair next to the couch and feeding him crackers as long as possible…I could not move. You are precious!

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        November 1, 2015 at 8:38 pm (2 years ago)

        That is hilarious, Shelly! Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do! xo

        Reply
    4. Barbara
      October 29, 2015 at 12:50 pm (2 years ago)

      I don’t mind getting older. I’m actually enjoying it quite a bit. I’m 32 and so far my 30’s have been so much better than my 20’s. I have money to actually do the things that I want, I’m not stressed out about getting projects done for school, and I’m married so I don’t have to worry about dating! I might have a few gray hairs and be chunkier than I was when I was young, but I like my life much better now!

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:48 pm (2 years ago)

        I am right there with you and will be doing an upcoming post on some of the BEST things about getting older. Stay tuned and thanks for your support, Barbara! xoxo

        Reply
    5. Jenny
      October 29, 2015 at 10:09 am (2 years ago)

      This is great and humorous!
      I am only 23 but I definitely laughed at all of these.

      xoxo, Jenny

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:48 pm (2 years ago)

        Thanks for stopping by, Jenny! xo

        Reply
    6. Annie
      October 29, 2015 at 1:01 am (2 years ago)

      Can I just say YES to everything! I meant to comment on this yesterday, when I turned 29 and was feeling so old. So it couldn’t have come at a better time! Why oh why did I hit the tanning beds in high school? I knew they were bad for me, and now I have the crows feet to prove it! And what!!! Taylor Swift’s song is about ex-lovers. Totally thought it was about Starbucks lovers and I was always puzzled but figured I just didn’t know enough. Hey, people love their PSL right? So add that to the list…check my hearing! Too funny! I am sharing your post on Facebook tomorrow–such a good read! (as always!) And I pinned it to one of my favorite group boards, Best Links Around. I know the other bloggers will love it too!

      Annie- All Things Big And Small

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:49 pm (2 years ago)

        Annie- HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! I hope it was special. Thanks so much for sharing my post and pinning it to the group board (BTW- how do I join those- I am an idiot when it comes to pinterest but need to learn because it’s a good source of traffic). You are the best! xo

        Reply
    7. Dia
      October 28, 2015 at 7:54 pm (2 years ago)

      Loved this! I’m 26 and still relate to a few of these…. going out and feeling like everyone is 15 but really just 21.
      Losing my awesome youthful metabolism lol
      And bills lol but that one has been going on for as long as I can remember. Great post

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:51 pm (2 years ago)

        21 year olds and 15 year olds… may as well be the same thing! LOL. Thanks for stopping by, Dia! xo

        Reply
    8. Erica
      October 28, 2015 at 2:29 pm (2 years ago)

      This was too cute… and I can so relate! I am 35 now and I am constantly shocked when I realize it. Thirty used to seem ancient!

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:52 pm (2 years ago)

        I can totally remember thinking 30 was ancient. Heck, I remember being young and thinking my 18-year-old-cousins were ancient. It’s all relative. xo

        Reply
    9. Heather with WELLFITandFED
      October 28, 2015 at 1:32 pm (2 years ago)

      I love the picture of you dancing. You have the “I seriously think I might be awesome at this” look on your face. I have had that look. Great post. I really appreciate your humor.

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:52 pm (2 years ago)

        Heather- THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING WHEN THE PICTURE WAS BEING SNAPPED. Thanks for stopping by and for all your support. Cheers!

        Reply
    10. Just Plain Marie
      October 28, 2015 at 1:27 pm (2 years ago)

      🙂 I’m 43 and I was busy rolling my eyes before you said that you knew I was rolling my eyes.

      I actually appreciate my wrinkles. I have laugh lines around my eyes and smile lines by my mouth. (And oh, MY, the gray hair!) Considering all that I went through with my ex-husband, I’m so happy that I have laughed and smiled enough to have them. Remember that at 20 we have the face we’re born with, but at 40 we have the face we’ve earned. 😀

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:53 pm (2 years ago)

        Thanks for stopping by, Marie! I love the saying about 40 being the face we’ve earned. Guess I need to drink more water and slather on more creams. I hope you have a wonderful week. xoxo

        Reply
    11. Ali A
      October 28, 2015 at 11:18 am (2 years ago)

      YAS to the bad metabolism & wrinkles. I was just talking to a friend about how I make the scrunchiest faces all the time and HAVE to stop doing that. My forehead lines are not cute and my judgmental/RBF (Resting Bitch Face) don’t help the cause. I also used to be able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Now just eating a normal breakfast, lunch & dinner means my pants are tight. YOU TELLING ME I *HAVE* TO WORK OUT NOW?

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:54 pm (2 years ago)

        Dude. I hate working out. Hate it. And I LOL at your Facebook post the other day about working out. That’s me every day. Have you ever tried Botox? I was interested until one of my girlfriends said the needle makes a crunching sound as it hits the forehead. Um no thanks (deathly afraid of needles).

        Reply
    12. Lauren
      October 28, 2015 at 11:01 am (2 years ago)

      hahaha I can totally relate to all of this! SO funny!!

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:54 pm (2 years ago)

        Thanks Lauren! xoxo

        Reply
    13. Francesca
      October 28, 2015 at 10:42 am (2 years ago)

      I love this post!
      I also am obsessed with everything anti aging, I definitely did not take good care of my skin in my younger days!
      I feel so old watching mtv, I have no idea who most of this new singers and actors are!
      Definitely not as “cool” as I like to think I am!

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:55 pm (2 years ago)

        Me too about the MTV… remember we watched MTV when they “actually played music videos.” Today it’s just reality shows. Cheers and thanks for stopping by, Francesca! xoxo

        Reply
    14. Sarah Bailey
      October 28, 2015 at 10:36 am (2 years ago)

      Sometimes I forget about how long ago it was I left school – I’m still early 20s right.. Ermm WRONG.. Can I just stop ageing now please!
      Love this post. x

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:55 pm (2 years ago)

        LOL. Amen, sister. I told someone the other day that I was 29 and legitimately believed it until my husband corrected me. HAHA.

        Reply
    15. Emily
      October 28, 2015 at 5:40 am (2 years ago)

      I can’t do the whip nae-nae with my 3-year-old because my rhythm is so far gone. Did I mention I danced from pre-k to 12th grade? I was cleaning out my closet the other day and came across some special playing cards. I sat and had some good memories before I tossed them then cried thinking I will never have such fun again! (Hello, pregnancy hormones!)

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:56 pm (2 years ago)

        What on earth is a Whip Nae Nae? Do I need to Youtube it? Did I just age myself for not knowing what that was? Now I do know what the Marcarena and Electric Slide are… Love you and hope the pregnancy hormones are at bay. They are no joke!!!

        Reply
    16. Emily Preston
      October 27, 2015 at 9:07 pm (2 years ago)

      You are spot on!! Currently in bed, with my coke bottle glasses on, mouth guard in, while watching Fixer Upper! Body is still recovering from being over served at Cheese Please 😉

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:57 pm (2 years ago)

        LOL! What an epic night. I can’t believe you still have your mouth guard… you are an orthodontic dream come true!

        Reply
    17. Aja
      October 27, 2015 at 8:53 pm (2 years ago)

      Currently in bed drinking wine and watching Real Housewives. Basic 30-something mom? Check!

      Reply
      • jenniferdaku
        October 29, 2015 at 9:57 pm (2 years ago)

        If Basic is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

        Reply

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