From the Mouths of Baby Mamas: 9 Things Soon-To-Be Parents Say that Make me Smirk

I can’t help but do a little internal chuckle when I hear a pregnant woman who doesn’t already have children tell everyone about her grandiose plans for child rearing. I’ve heard all sorts of ridiculous things, but here are some of my favorites:

“I’ll Never Give My Kids McDonald’s.” Lady, there will come a point when you don’t have time to cook a four course organic meal and a Chicken McNugget will never look so good. If our grandparents’ generation smoked a pack of cigarettes a day in their third trimesters, then an occasional french fry won’t kill anyone.

Lighten up. 

“My House Will Always Be Clean.” Obviously, nobody ever told this woman that “toddler” is synonymous with “tornado.” Turn your back for one minute while tidying up the living room, only to find your child has toilet-papered the bathroom.

You have a cleaning lady? Oh, that’s nice.

Means the only time your house will be legitimately immaculate is the period between when the cleaner leaves and your child gets home from daycare.

“I’ll Never Raise My Voice at My Youngster.” Until they run into a busy street. Or knock over the fish tank while cartwheeling inside the house. Or purposely put gum in their sibling’s hair.

Nope, you’ll never lose it. Ever.

“I Won’t Let My Kids Watch TV or Use a Smart Phone.” Just wait until this parent-to-be is waiting with their child inside the lobby of a doctor’s office and would do anything to make them be quiet and keep them entertained. 

Sure, use Mummy’s iPhone to watch all the YouTube videos your heart desires. Just don’t make a peep. 

“I’m Still Going To Work Out Seven Days a Week and Look Good for my Husband.” This comment warrants the world’s biggest eye roll because it tends to come from women whose husbands have man boobs and spare tires

Honey, if you want to look good, it needs to be for yourself and not for anyone else. 

Getting up and going to the gym at 5 a.m. is one thing when you don’t have children. It’s something entirely different when your baby woke up ten times in the middle of the night, you repeatedly hunted for a pacifier in the dark, and you still have to go to work the next day.

“I’d Never Let My Child Publicly Misbehave.” I routinely said this before I had kids of my own. I judged other parents and I judged their kids. After raising a strong-willed child and knowing that sometimes even the “death-glare” will not deter certain behavior in public, I judge no one.

The one perk about parenting is the immunity it provides from whining, screaming, and general bellyaching. I’ve groomed myself to tune it out.

I’m sorry, what? Your kid’s been wailing for ten minutes straight? Didn’t hear it at all.

“My Child Won’t Leave the House Unless Dressed to the Nines.” Sometimes I’m just glad to have gotten everyone out of the house with lunches in tow. I don’t have time and I don’t care to worry about what everyone looks like. My three-year-old’s hair is combed? Great. Does it matter she picked out her own bow and it clashes with the rest of her outfit? No. Does it matter her socks are inside out? Nope, because she’ll take them off two minutes after we get into the car. Does it matter her outfit isn’t monogrammed? Well, considering she’s going to daycare where she will paint, eat leftover spaghetti, and play in the dirt, no.  

Aside from school picture day or a special event, I generally don’t put too much emphasis on ensuring my children look perfect.

“I Don’t Think I’ll Want to Work After the Baby is Born.” There’s a misconception the only thing stay-at-home-moms do all day is drink mimosas, get pedicures, watch reality television, and occasionally change a diaper. I know this because it’s what I used to think before I had kids. What a jerk.

I caution every person whose ever made this statement to wait and see how hard staying at home with a young child and having to create your own routine can really be. For me, having a career is like getting paid to relax, compared to staying at home with a toddler and infant.

“I’m Not Having An Epidural.” This comment is hilarious.  Nobody fully comprehends the agonizing out-of-body experience of labor contractions until they are living it. I know roughly ten women who attempted to have a drug-free deliveries and only one actually did it- and that was because she was so far dilated she couldn’t have an epidural, never mind she was literally begging her OB for one. I don’t understand why anyone would voluntarily endure that type of pain. It’s either for bragging rights or because they think an epidural could potentially harm the child.

You know what? Screaming bloody murder from pain in my child’s ear will harm the child. So there’s that. 

I hear mothers-to-be say these things and all I do is nod my head, smile, and say, “well isn’t that nice, I’m excited to hear about your adventure!”

Cheers to knowing better!


    37 Comments on From the Mouths of Baby Mamas: 9 Things Soon-To-Be Parents Say that Make me Smirk

    1. K. Johnson
      August 19, 2016 at 7:17 pm (6 years ago)

      Oh my, Jennifer!!! Were you following me around before I had Kathryn Ann? You’re doing a great job with this blog. Remember I once knew you
      as a blue “balloon “! ?

    2. Annie
      October 14, 2015 at 9:16 pm (7 years ago)

      UMM YESS to everything on this list. I always say that I was a better parent before I had kids. You should see the outfits I let my daughter go out in. If she is clothed (which is actually a struggle somedays I am satisfied.) I have learned to pick my fights. And although I had two natural births, I was BEGGING for an epidural. Didn’t have time for either one and with the first, I was literally begging my midwife for a c-section, forceps, or vacuum assistance because 3.75 hrs of pushing w/o drugs will put anyone over the edge. Even if I had wanted it and went the hippie route with a doula and a midwife. It is the worst pain ever and since doing it do not judge anyone who has an epidural. Good for them! So with number 2, I requested an epidural the moment I got to the hospital- NOPE too late again. Love your honesty! And yes to the iPad in the doctors office (or at a restaurant!)

      Annie- All Things Big And Small

    3. Amanda
      September 19, 2015 at 6:37 pm (7 years ago)

      This fantastic, I thought all the same things before my kids. I did actually have both with no epidural though, sucked while it was happening but I did it.

    4. Rachel
      September 16, 2015 at 9:42 pm (7 years ago)

      I absolutely love your writing!!!! I was laughing out loud at all these to the point of tears. You have to love the “experts” without children.

      • jenniferdaku
        September 17, 2015 at 5:37 am (7 years ago)

        Thanks for stopping by, Rachel, I love that you read my blog! Can we get lunch downtown sometime soon?

        • Rachel
          September 17, 2015 at 7:35 am (7 years ago)

          I would love that! We’ll make it happen!

    5. Heaven
      September 16, 2015 at 6:06 pm (7 years ago)

      Amen to all of that. I love the stories you tell.Thanks for making me smile today!

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:10 pm (7 years ago)

        Thanks for stopping by, Heaven!

    6. Nusrat
      September 16, 2015 at 3:01 pm (7 years ago)

      Ha! I have heard all of these and I have to bite my tongue so I don’t say anything! You and I think alike.

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:13 pm (7 years ago)

        Sometimes silence is golden. Thanks for stopping by!

    7. Emily | Rainbow Delicious
      September 16, 2015 at 2:08 pm (7 years ago)

      hahaha I love this post so much. It reminds me of a book I read called “I was a really good mom before I had kids.” I think the longer you parent and the more kids you have the easier it is to lighten up and stop saying such unrealistic things.

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:17 pm (7 years ago)

        Amen to that. With experience comes wisdom.

    8. Jaime
      September 16, 2015 at 1:53 pm (7 years ago)

      I used to say I’d feed my child nutritious food every day and she’d be an awesome eater. Now she lives on pizza and bananas for the most part, haha. =)

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:19 pm (7 years ago)

        Whatever works and is convenient. We try to give our three-year-old healthy stuff like salmon and broccoli, but all she wants is PB&J. (Can’t say I blame her!)

    9. kristen
      September 16, 2015 at 11:58 am (7 years ago)

      So, I am not a mom but I loved this 1) because I say these things and know how absolutely crazy i am and 2) most of my friends are moms.

      this is my fav, “Honey, if you want to look good, it needs to be for yourself and not for anyone else.” preach preach preach.

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:21 pm (7 years ago)

        Thanks, Kristen, and I agree. Cheers and thanks for stopping by.

    10. Valerie@Occasionally Crafty
      September 16, 2015 at 11:07 am (7 years ago)

      Wouldn’t it be awesome if we didn’t judge each other when we don’t know any better? They don’t know what’s coming, and oh, to be blissfully unaware again….

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:23 pm (7 years ago)

        Thanks Valerie! No judgment here… just laughs… and an entire blog post! LOL. Cheers and thanks for stopping by.

    11. Heather with WELLFITandFED
      September 16, 2015 at 10:37 am (7 years ago)

      Man boobs and spare tires… are funny! Great post!

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:25 pm (7 years ago)

        Thanks Heather. I appreciate your stopping by.

    12. Sara Glomski
      September 16, 2015 at 10:17 am (7 years ago)

      Cracking up at the women who wanna look awesome for their hubbys who have man boobs and a spare tire!!! It’s true! And McDonald’s? Happy meals all around twice per week.

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:25 pm (7 years ago)

        Thanks Sara… that’s why they’re called Happy Meals… because mama’s happy she didn’t have to cook. .

    13. Laura
      September 16, 2015 at 9:27 am (7 years ago)

      I loved this post! Knock yourself out is all I can say!

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:25 pm (7 years ago)

        A to the Men! With experience comes wisdom…

    14. Mary Dolan Flaherty
      September 16, 2015 at 8:49 am (7 years ago)

      I remember saying that I’d never reprimand (read: yell) at my children in the supermarket parking lot. Yeah, never say never.

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:26 pm (7 years ago)

        So true. Is it just me, or does something about the supermarket parking lot bring out the crazy in kids?!

        • Amanda
          September 19, 2015 at 6:40 pm (7 years ago)

          it’s the fact that they have zero concept of “please just get in the car” or “Car.. Car.. CAR!!!”

    15. Aja
      September 16, 2015 at 6:52 am (7 years ago)

      #truth, but add me to your list of natural birth people (times two- my youngest was a planned homebirth?)

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:26 pm (7 years ago)

        You are superwoman. I would have died.

    16. Julie Borm
      September 16, 2015 at 6:21 am (7 years ago)

      Amen! I was so one of those moms. And now Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is my salvation. Hilarious post!

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:27 pm (7 years ago)

        Mickey Mouse Clubhouse > Mortal Kombat. You’re doing great.

    17. Shelly
      September 15, 2015 at 10:46 pm (7 years ago)

      Such truth! I was totally one of those people before having kids of my own. My first born was so easy and then #2 came along….I would lean down and whisper some threat in his ear when he was acting like a turd in public and he would start screaming “you’re hurting me, you’re hurting me”. Oh my goodness! And yes…I was going to do natural childbirth too…go for it is all I say I’m taking the epidural!

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:29 pm (7 years ago)

        Shelly- this is HILARIOUS! “You’re hurting me…” I can so relate. When Arden was two, she had a hard time pronouncing her “S” sounds. One day she was playing with a stick in the car on the way to daycare. When we arrived, I took it away from her and she starting having a tantrum in the crowded parking lot, screaming “Gimme my DICK, Gimme my Dick” (because she couldn’t say stick). How embarrassing, but a good memory I can look back on nonetheless.

    18. MaryBeth
      September 15, 2015 at 10:32 pm (7 years ago)

      Loved your list! I thought I was the only one who thought stuff like that! You made my day for the next week!

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:30 pm (7 years ago)

        Aw, thanks Mary Beth! I appreciate the feedback and that you stopped by.

    19. Meg
      September 15, 2015 at 10:09 pm (7 years ago)

      I literally laughed out loud reading this! Especially with the ability to tune out other kids; it’s all white noise to me at this point! I also swore I wouldn’t repeat the “lame” things my mom always said yet hear those exact quotes and probably even lamer ones come out of my mouth on a daily basis!

      • jenniferdaku
        September 16, 2015 at 8:30 pm (7 years ago)

        Exactly! I could never be a lifeguard because if a child was directly in front of me screaming, I probably wouldn’t notice. It’s a blessing and a curse. Thanks for stopping by, Meg! xo