Life can be confusing. The following are, in my opinion, the top 6 doozies.
Acrylic Toenails. Apparently this is a thing. I didn’t know about it until I was at a “salon” around a year ago and witnessed one of the employees hacking away at an old acrylic nail so he could glue a new one to some lady’s big toe.
It was like Tampa Chainsaw Massacre. Toenail style.
I was really confused.
Failed, Awkward Sarcasm. Sarcasm is an art. If not executed properly, it’s completely awkward and, at a minimum, rude. Example:
Me: Excuse me, sir, will you please tell me where I can find a restroom?
Me: Standing there, confused, not sure what to say, unaware of whether this dude is trying to be funny or if he’s just a jerk.
Sir: Laughing. It’s across the hall.
I hate when this happens. Then I have to let out some insincere, fake laugh and I just want to ask the person why he can’t answer the flipping question like a normal human being in the first place.
I was confused.
Social Media Love Sonnets. “To [my husband]: I love you so much and am thrilled to have spent the last [x] years with you. I can’t wait to have our baby tomorrow, you’re the best person, I love sharing this journey with you, and I thank God for you daily.”
Isn’t this lady’s husband sitting next to her, watching reruns of The Family Guy, while they ignore each other because they are both on their phones? Doesn’t she live with him? Why can’t she text, email, call, or better yet, tell her husband these things? Face to face. Why’s it gotta be all over the internet?
I’m so confused. While we’re on the topic of social media…
Twitter. It doesn’t make sense. I can’t figure out how to make my “tweets” include a picture or how to tweet something in the first place and then make a lot of people discover my tweet so they can “re-tweet” it. [How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck…]
This must be how my grandma feels when she tries to use an iPhone. Or send a text message.
I’m so confused.
Extreme Couponers. You know, those people who spend fifty hours locating and cutting coupons, only to end up with seven hundred rolls of toilet paper and nineteen jars of peanut butter after saving $15. Do the math. That was slave labor.
The only way they will benefit from this is if North Korea drops a bomb and all the peanut butter comes in handy.
You want to murder these people if you get stuck behind them in the grocery line.
I’m so confused.
People Who Spend Tons of Money on Weight Loss Pills/Shakes/Magic Ingredients and are Still Overweight. Get ready for it ‘cuz I’m about to save you some money. Pills, shakes, and magic ingredients won’t make you skinny. They will just make you angry and give you a feeling like you’re “riding in a Chevy and you feel something heavy.”
They only way you will lose weight and keep it off is by eating healthy, exercising, and getting plenty of sleep. Shortcuts won’t work. Weight loss products and pyramid schemes are a gimmick unless they help you lose weight the old fashioned way [e.g.- by doing the three things I referenced above].
Please don’t try to sell me a product by showing me a “before” picture that was taken with you pushing your gut out, and then another “after” picture that is essentially identical to your “before” picture, except you got spray tanned, sucked in your gut, and stood up straight.
I’m so confused.